Flying used to be the ideal way to travel, but with the changing of the times and the airlines trying to save a buck it still leaves a lot to be desired. Having to deal with crying kids, bitchy flight attendants, and lack of comfort means that there needs to be more on a flight to ease your aggravation. I’ve concocted a spectacular list of improvements that would revolutionize the way we perceive air travel forever:

Seats

If you’ve ever taken a flight longer than 5 hours then you’ll know that the seats really suck. Your ass hurts, your legs ache, and at times you just want to lay down flat. I’m sure first class passengers don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about, but this improvement list is intended for coach passengers so go sip your fucking Earl Grey somewhere else. The seats in the coach section of all planes in an airline’s fleet should be replaced with these:

I would have nocturnal emissions just dreaming about this seat while sleeping in it. If a hot chick is sitting next to you then you can tell everyone that you slept with her. Awesome! Of course there should also be some kick ass personal cabins in the back:

I would let the airline CEO suck me off if I could travel in one of these. You could watch porn and slam the ham until your heart’s content. No longer would I have to endure rude stare from the assholes sitting next to me, in front of me, and in back me during my transatlantic pud pulling sessions. I wouldn’t have to make excuses for the violent hammering going on under the blanket draped over my lap. It’s your very own meat beating kingdom in the sky!

Food

I’ve had good food on planes and I’ve also had shitty food. I think it depends on where you’re going if it’s an international flight and if it’s a domestic flight then it’s pretty much a crap shoot. I would recommend that the airlines toss all of that catered shit and bring in large servings of Carl’s Jr. and Burger King meals.

There’s always the chance that the franchises won’t bite on this idea so all you can eat pizza would be just as good.

Drinks

Never mind the flight attendant pushing that clumsy cart around with drinks. That’s for assholes. I’m talking a full service bar right in the back of the cabin. Every drink imaginable and smoking is allowed everywhere. You want a Tom Collins? Bam! You want a Scotch and Soda? How you doin’? Pull up a stool and have at it.

Entertainment

It certainly does help the time pass when you’re offered a movie to watch, but who wants to watch the shitty movies that they show? Charlie’s Angels? Ocean’s 11? Give me a fucking break! Scrap all that shit and bring some real entertainment on board!

Full on pole dancing in the aisles. A new girl every 2 hours. Smoke and lights. Lap dances. The works! The best part is that it’s all included in the price of your ticket.

Flight Attendants

This is probably the most important part of the whole flying experience. I don’t know what happened here, but the airlines used to have much stricter policies in the hiring of flight attendants. Look at how hot they used to be in the 60s:

What the hell happened? I’m used to getting stuck with some plastic faced, conservative, bore from San Fernando Valley like this:

That’s no fun at all. In fact it kind of pisses me off. She looks like she’s dressed for a Berkshire Hathaway board meeting. That in itself would make the trip seem two hours longer than it really is. We need to replace all of the flight attendants that look like that with ones that look like this:

Of course this could also have an adverse effect. There would probably be an influx in the amount of dirty old men requiring assistance in fastening and unfastening their seat belts and the flight attendant call lights would be lighting up like a Christmas tree throughout the entire cabin, but It’s a small price to pay. The problem is that the airlines are so afraid of discrimination lawsuits that they’ll hire just about any slob to do the job no matter what they look like. You don’t see that in foreign airlines. Next time you’re in the airport, try comparing the foreign flight attendants to the American ones and you’ll see exactly what I mean. It’s obvious the foreigners execute a pretty intense screening process.

Who would you rather have serving your food? One of these gorgeous babes or some leathery bitch wearing a pant suit? I rest my case.

Yes, you all qualify. Absolutely! I can’t even believe these chicks have to compete for the job. I would hire ‘em all even if there weren’t enough planes. I’d have 25 attendants on each flight.

So basically the airlines should be eternally thankful for my suggestions and I do expect that they’ll want me at their next board meetings. If they were to implement these ideas they would be reporting record profits every year. So the next time an airline tanks you can say to yourself “Jeez, they should have listened to that fucking genius Angoisse ”.

There are a ton of shows on TV featuring the triumphs of cops and their undying love for law enforcement. The problem is that if you love to enforce the law then you should probably make an effort to obey it. I have witnessed asshole cops break the law countless times which leads me to believe that there should be a show highlighting citizens busting cops. Not even making arrests or handing out citations, just to make them feel like total shit on TV. Handing out a ticket is no comparison to making someone feel like a ball of crap. Anyone can accept a ticket and drive away, but when you feel humiliated, that will stay with you for a while. I would love to see a cop’s dignity ripped to shreds on prime time TV on a nightly basis. Most of them deserve to feel like the pickle fuckers that they are. 

This guy could possibly be one of my new heros:

There are three things in my life that I long to see: a UFO, a ghost, and some jag off slipping on a banana peel. I would love to know where this phenomenon derived from. Does this even happen? If you have ever seen someone slip on a friggin’ banana peel then I would love to hear about it. I have seen it illustrated in countless ways. Cartoons, comic strips, video games, etc… My wife is filipino and she insists that slipping on banana peels is a reality. It must be some kind of third world thing. I would seriously love to see it. Why is it only banana peels? You mean to tell me that you can’t slip on a peel from a lemon or an orange? How come monkeys aren’t always falling down with all of the peels that must be laying around their environment. Eh, so many unanswered questions.

I bet used condoms could also be a safety hazard on the sidewalk. The scenario would feature an impeccably dressed executive, briskly walking down a busy boulevard. With a briefcase in one hand he frequently checks his rolex, agonizing about his tardiness to the 9:30 board meeting. Dodging a hot dog vendor on his right and a street performer on his left he narrowly dodges the wino out flat in his path. With the agility of a world class slalom skier he weaves in and out of foot traffic, increasing his stride in sync with his judgment to maintain punctuality. Rounding his last corner before the home stretch, his traction is seized by a familiar obstacle. The smooth leather sole of his left shoe meets it’s match against a soiled latex sheath housing a generous amount of man goo. His surprise instigates instability in his step. Struggling to maintain balance, he exerts lethal pressure on his left foot resulting in an untimely pop beneath his shoe. Six heaping tablespoons of week old jizz flood the dry proximity beneath his foot. Instant slip and slide! The right foot proves useless to aid in the demise of the left foot. The executive demonstrates a ridiculous dance as a last ditch effort to stay vertical, but his attempt is futile. His left leg gives up in it’s battle against the love yogurt and kicks itself high in the sky like a Rockette at Radio City taking the right leg along for the ride. Landing flat on his back, the executive shits his slacks on impact. Broken by his humiliation he rolls himself sideways into the gutter and sleeps it off. 

Now tell me that you wouldn’t sooner believe a story like this than that silly banana peel shit.

In this day and age the worst thing you could be is a white man living in America. We are the most scrutinized portion of the population which has pretty much whipped us into submission. We don’t complain about being portrayed as buffoons in the media, having hardly any positions in the NBA, or being shit on by just about every minority group imaginable. Is there an end to this ludicrous, politically correct shit? Someone needs to take charge and tell these fuckers to piss up a rope. Jesse Jackson announced today that he is working closely with scientists and they are close to coming up with a method to make clouds black. Al Sharpton has also motioned to have the name of “Burger King” changed to “Martin King”. Alright so I lied, I do that all of the time, but I bet you would have believed it otherwise. The book “Little Black Sambo” was banned for being offensive. Crayola changed the name of their “Indian Red” crayon to “Chestnut” because it was offensive. The American Fisheries Society changed the name of the “Jewfish” to the “Goliath Grouper”. We’re so wrapped up in not wanting to hurt people’s feelings that we’re hurting ourselves in the process. Well as you already know, I’m a fucking genius and I have a solution for everything. So rather than fight this absurdity, why don’t we all join in on it? I’m of mostly Irish and English descent so I would like to encourage any of you that also share some kind of European lineage to denounce the offensive stereotypes that our people have endured for so long. Let’s get started!

1.

How do all of you Irish folks like being depicted as a goofy hobbit chasing around floating marshmallows? I find it absolutely sickening. This cereal mocks everything my family has ever done to make it in America. The rainbow in the background just cinches it for me. Not only do we have to be little green fuckers, but now we have to be gay too. Christ! I want this cereal banned for being offensive.

2.

Why? Why do all of the butlers on tv and movies always have to be English? There is always some rich fuck who rings a bell or picks up a phone and some impeccably dressed englishman shows up out of nowhere and throws himself at the feet of his master. If you’re English and you’re not James Bond then I guess the second best you can ever do in life is to become a butler. English men are shown as being subservient and weak in this situation. For christ sake even Jeffrey on the Fresh Prince of Bel Air had a British accent. So I want Mr. Belvedere and The Nanny stricken from the airwaves along with banning the movie Clue. I’m sure you could find a million more if you ask Jeeves.

3.

You’re pretty well fucked if you’re Italian. Your people show up on every pizza box from here to Florence. That’s right, the public only sees you as jolly pizza chefs. If you’re ambitious you could move up and join the ranks of Chef Boyardee. Some of the images aren’t that flattering.

I mean if the whole pizza chef generalization isn’t bad enough, big business has to twist the knife a little more by creating all kinds of ridiculous versions of it. You think Paul Newman would be proud of his salad dressing if he was wearing a fucking tomato hat on the bottle? Don’t even get me started on Super Mario Brothers. Two retarded plumbers that are never doing their jobs and instead they fuck off by flying around in raccoon suits and shit. For now on Pizza should only be wrapped in newspaper when it’s sold and everything with Super Mario and Luigi on it should be banned. After that happens we can all watch Nintendo’s stock start to tank because without Mario they don’t have shit.

4.

The Romanians will never escape the stigma of this character. Let’s just immortalize it by placing it on a cereal box. This way kids will learn early on that the people in Romania survive solely on draining and drinking the blood of others. General Mills is on a role with this stereotype shit. Sesame Street is as much to blame with “The Count”. It would have been nice to at least make the “The Count” sophisticated and charming, but instead they made him an annoying blowbag that was easily amused by numbers. Fuckers!

5.

If you’ve ever been to Amsterdam then you’ll know that all of the locals look like this. I had to sleep with ear plugs in because of the racket that all of the wooden shoes make on the cobblestone streets. I’m sorry for you Holland. Your countrymen can only hope to be painters with bad haircuts. I really don’t why this is ok. I’m sure the company would have gone out of business long ago if it was called Puerto Rican Boy paint. I don’t think they should have to ban this. I would be happy to see everyone encourage this company to rename themselves Big Boy paint. There, that’s better. It has a real smart ring to it.

6.

Yep, even the Germans weren’t spared. According to this you’re all just a bunch of alcoholic womanizers. They couldn’t put any cool German shit on the bottle like the Autobahn, The Scorpions, or an Audi. Nope. It’s so much more effective to tarnish the image of the people from a country where a tootsie roll costs like $5.00. This product should either be banned or be subject to a complete redesign. If they went with the latter then it should go by the name of “St. Elmo’s Fire” and the girl on the bottle would be replaced with an image of Andrew McCarthy high fiving Rob Lowe.

7.

Holy Hell! How has this been on the shelf for so long without being the center of criticism? They must not have this product in Spain or if they do then they must not realize the extreme, negative overtones of it’s name. Why not just replace the little sponge on the box with a matador getting reamed in the ass by a bull horn? It’s pretty clear what the message is here. Enough said.

So let’s all start causing shit and adding to all of this PC crap just to even out the playing field. We need an edge and this is a start. Fuck it, let’s just ban everything. We’ll start all over again.

So I’m close to finishing a complete in depth look into the real story behind Gilligan’s life on the island. This has required over 10 years of extensive research and when all is said and done the complete compilation of memoirs will be over 1200 pages. I’m negotiating contracts right now with Random House. I visited the Island in late 1997 to become better acquainted with the scene of so many hardships. I got a little emotional while viewing the tattered remains of the professor’s laboratory. It was staggering to stand there in all that nostalgia thinking about how many fabulous ideas had been concocted in there. The headhunters were actually all very nice people. We talked and laughed over hot kiwi totties and reminisced about “little buddy” and the lagoon in happier times. The chief divulged to me that Gilligan was much smarter than he let on to be. It was all a survival tactic and part of a much bigger plan. Here we are 11 years later and I got the real scoop. The following is an excerpt taken directly out of my book.

Excerpt from The Gilligan Chronicles:

The other side of this vast island provides more comfort and privacy than I could ever have dreamed. The monkeys are passionate creatures. The male species continue to rally for my attention in ways that I know not how to explain. A dance of sorts is performed by the most well endowed in which he ultimately ejaculates into a conch shell and then proceeds to pour the contents over my head. I do enjoy it immensely however my fornicating has reached new levels. I have fucked almost every kind of fruit that grows here and I find myself having difficulty when looking for new varieties. This is partly the reason for my recent homo-erotic fantasies with the gorillas. It is this extensive exploration into my own sexuality that has dissolved any desire for rescue. I would be perfectly content living out the rest of my years fucking the monkeys and fellating sea cucumbers in paradise.

Sleeping proved to be difficult in the first month. The crude hammock I spent my nights in was uncomfortable and left my undercarriage completely exposed for the skipper’s crass amusement. Many of nights I was awoken to having my ass ripped apart by skip’s inflated manhood. I would cry myself to sleep only to be tortured throughout the night with nightmares of sea sweat and maritime perversions. The last of the incidents occurred as the skipper’s grand finale. My colon became perforated after being exposed to the business end of the Minnow’s anchor. Fortunately the professor was able to ease my pain with a colostomy fashioned from hemp and whip vines.

Mary Ann and Ginger never allowed me so much as a peek of their tenderness. They were very comfortable flaunting there goodies around, but it wasn’t until much later that I learned of their orgies with the rest of the men on the island. Their cock teasing sent me into a spell of rage. Knowing that I was the only man on the island not hitting that ass was enough to turn my interest elsewhere. I settled for beating off into Lovey’s house slippers while Thurston watched. He paid me well.

In the end, I always laughed last. I made it my mission to foil any hopes of ever getting rescued. I had no intention of leaving and I needed the professor. The Howell’s were old and would not be along much longer. That left those two filthy, fish eating dykes and that oversized, grisly fuck monster. They would never get rescued as long as I played my cards right. I knew that one day they would get sick of bathing in the skipper’s jizz and they would be after my member. It was at that time I unleashed a wrath of perversion that would make a hooker blush. Anyone watching from a distance would only have been able to see a flurry of red and black hair with my engorged meat sword making brief appearances here and there. The noise was incredible as was the sight itself. Nothing but locks of female hair flying in all directions as if caught in a cross wind. Once my volcano erupted they both collapsed onto the floor like two broken accordions. The professor gladly accepted sloppy seconds as I slipped out the back door half dressed.

Unfortunately if you want to read the rest then you’ll just have to buy the book. It’s full of all kinds of great shit like this. You can wow your friends for hours with all of the Gilligan trivia you can learn. Go ahead and look it up if you don’t believe me.