I hate almost every celebrity that splatters the pages of tabloid magazines and dominates the Hollywood gossip shows. Dustin Diamond goes down as being one of my most hated. His career perished before it even started when he was an annoying, pickle smoking, adolescent. Now he’s just an annoying, pickle smoking, adult who whores himself to any venue or media channel that will actually waste their time on him. This asshole has indulged himself in every scumbag move from feigning poverty to releasing one of the most horrendously terrible  porn movies I’ve ever seen. Let’s take a look at the milestones in Dusty’s failed career:

Saved by the Bell

It’s understandable that any 13 year old would be thrilled at the idea of being on a TV show, but his failure came early on. Nobody on the cast liked him and I think it’s obvious why. The only person on the show that got along with him was the guy that played Mr. Belding and I’m sure that was out of shear pity. All of the other cast members would go out together, but they never invited Screech. Am I supposed to feel bad about that? I would have beat the shit out of him on a daily basis if he went to my school. His personality in real life is not that much different than Screech and the worst part is that he resents the fact that people remember him as Screech. He wants to be known as Dustin Diamond. Well what the fuck do you expect you tool smoke??!! You were only the most annoying thing on TV. How could anyone forget? Nothing you do in your life now will never help people forget that shit character that you played. You’re pretty much fucked for life and I’m thrilled about it. Even in your everyday life you will be constantly haunted by your horrible past. Try going grocery shopping; “Hey, aren’t you Screech?”. Even something as mundane as going for a walk; “Look everyone! It’s that fucktard from Saved By the Bell!”. You are so royally fucked.

Celebrity Fit Club

Next this cock sucker goes on Celebrity Fit Club which was basically one of the many shows that was designed with washed up has beens in mind. Usually if you’re a fucking clown than it’s in your best interest to at least be nice to everyone in order to salvage your dignity, but Dustin passed the time by acting like a douchebag throughout the duration of the program. The following clip perfectly illustrates this bag of shit’s day to day life in under five minutes:

Totally Spent

Old fuck mouth was really on a role so why not pretend to be broke on top of everything else? He claimed that his house was facing foreclosure and that he needed donations. For every donation he would send you a T-shirt which read something like “I helped Screeech save his house” or some such shit. He used the very same character’s name that he resents being known as and whatsmore he had to spell it wrong because he didn’t own the rights to the character. Thousands of people face financial hardship every year and blow bag thinks that he shouldn’t have to endure the hardships that everyone else is faced with. What an unbelievable asshole! I would love to break his nose and pay to have it fixed just so I could visit him in the hospital and break it again and I would repeat the process for the next 30 years.

Porn Tape

His porn tape was fucking god awful. Look at him. He looks like he’s cranking out a mean shit in the bathtub. He starts out with this ridiculous monologue acting like he’s talking to the illuminati or some circle of high profiled tycoons that we are to believe he belongs to. He sings the praises of his exploits like it was some kind of unbelievable feat. The only thing unbelievable about it is the whole tape itself. He tries to make it look like some chick calls him up on the night before she is to be married. When he arrives at her room he is met by her and her friend. Bullshit. He hired a couple of cheap whores and planted sex toys and lingerie all over the room before his arrival. No girl in their right mind would fuck this guy for free. Especially on the night before their wedding. He continued to talk up the size of his cock to the point where you expect an elephant trunk to fall out of pants, but instead all that emerged was an average schlong at best. Although he really believes that he’s hung like a giant so he insists on using Magnum condoms and is sure to make it known to the viewers. The sex was horrible and it would have been a lot more tolerable to watch if it weren’t for his all of his aggravating interjections and failed attempts at being funny. I don’t even remember seeing a money shot to be honest. If there was one then it was completely forgettable. And yet once again, this movie was marketed with some kind of Saved by the Bell reference in it’s title. We are also to believe that this type was private and not supposed to fall into the hands of the public. If that were in fact true then he wouldn’t be attending porn conventions and pushing his own line of sex toys. What the fuck? Change of heart? He wants to try his hand at failing in porn also?

Jesus Christ! The D-man? The brotherhood of the bros? What a fucking wanker! It was all one big fantasy that he put on tape. The fact that he belongs to some secret club, the fact that he has friends, the fact that he didn’t pay $100 for 2 whores, the fact that the tape was not intended for the public, etc… It’s all Dustin Diamond’s ultimate fantasy which he has contrived for you to see and believe. 

So after failing at just about everything except for a celebrity boxing match where he beat the guy who played Horeshack on Welcome Back Kotter (that must have been real difficult) he’ now working on his next failure which is stand up comedy. Not surprising that he’s not well liked in that channel either.

To summarize, Dustin Diamond is a great failure in history. Without dick lickers like him, none of us could feel good about our own shit lives.