Making a phone call is by no means a new idea. People have been making phone calls forever, but within the past 10 years it has become such a sensational notion that none of you motherfuckers can put the phones down. I understand the convenience of cell phones and by no means do I condemn their use, but some of you are nothing less than freakin’ addicts. Smoking has suffered so much scrutiny over the years that I am going to show you why you cell phone junkies are more annoying than smokers.

Smokers tend to grab a quick cigarette whenever there is a brief interval of time between their daily activities. Cell phone addicts grab a quick call during these same intervals. For example: I was having my car inspected which may take all of 15 minutes depending on how busy the shop is. I refrained from having any cigarettes throughout the entire wait. However, the fucknut sitting opposite of me could not stand to wait without making a few calls. Were the calls important you ask? Absolutely not! The conversations went something like this:

“Hey, it’s me.” (Typical cell phone addict response to “Hello”)
“I’m having my car inspected.” (Pause) “It’s on top of the drier near the detergent.” (Pause) “Bob said that it’s at 3:00.” (Pause) “Ok I’ll see you in about an hour.” (Hang up) 

Wow! I can see why that couldn’t have waited until she got home. That one call was not enough so she had to make a couple more equally as mundane phone calls after that. The point here is that I don’t want to listen to your idiotic conversations as much as you don’t want to breathe my smoke so go outside if have to make a call in one of your cellular fits you fucking wipe!

Smokers always have to have their cigarettes and lighter whenever they leave the house. Just like a cell addict can’t leave home without the cell phone. They will search high and low for it in the house if it’s lost even if it puts them behind on time.

There are different levels of smokers based on the frequency in which they smoke. Chain smokers are no different than the cell addicts that make one call after another. I’d like to do a little research and find out how many of you fuckers have a 10 or more call a day habit. The difference is that if we’re both outside, you won’t even be bothered by my smoke, but I’ll still want to bludgeon your face for having to listen to you chatter about how Hungry Man dinners were 10% off at Shaws.

What could you possibly have to talk about with your spouse or kids over dinner when you’ve told them everything that happened that day in the course of 8-10 phone calls? You have nothing left! You already wasted all of your laughs and semi-interesting stories during your daily phone call binge. You dumb fucks! The only thing you might have left to talk about is the exciting tale of how your cell battery died or at what point you lost your signal.

To make matters worse most of the people you morons call are just like you which means that they’ll be shitting their pants to make a call just as often as you do. This is demonstrated every time I try to talk to someone and I can’t get out 3 words without their phone ringing. What do most people do? They take the phone out of their awesome phone holster, look at the screen, hit a button, and put it back in the cool holster. Why have it then??? I see people do this all of the time. You have the fucking thing because you want to be contacted anywhere at anytime, but once a call actually does come in, you hit the “I’m too busy for this call” button. About 70% of the calls I make to cell phones get put through to voice mail. Any of you that do this don’t need the cell phone in the first place so just buy a fucking answering machine. Here’s another tip: if you took a huge shit after lunch then you can probably wait until you get home to talk about it although I’m sure some of you pricks talk about it on your phones while you’re actually doing it. “Ok, I think the worst is over, nope, I was wrong! One more almost slipped by, but I broke it off at the neck. It looks like tar and smells like meatloaf. Oh man, I wish you could be here.” You sick fucks.