Flying used to be the ideal way to travel, but with the changing of the times and the airlines trying to save a buck it still leaves a lot to be desired. Having to deal with crying kids, bitchy flight attendants, and lack of comfort means that there needs to be more on a flight to ease your aggravation. I’ve concocted a spectacular list of improvements that would revolutionize the way we perceive air travel forever:

Seats

If you’ve ever taken a flight longer than 5 hours then you’ll know that the seats really suck. Your ass hurts, your legs ache, and at times you just want to lay down flat. I’m sure first class passengers don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about, but this improvement list is intended for coach passengers so go sip your fucking Earl Grey somewhere else. The seats in the coach section of all planes in an airline’s fleet should be replaced with these:

I would have nocturnal emissions just dreaming about this seat while sleeping in it. If a hot chick is sitting next to you then you can tell everyone that you slept with her. Awesome! Of course there should also be some kick ass personal cabins in the back:

I would let the airline CEO suck me off if I could travel in one of these. You could watch porn and slam the ham until your heart’s content. No longer would I have to endure rude stare from the assholes sitting next to me, in front of me, and in back me during my transatlantic pud pulling sessions. I wouldn’t have to make excuses for the violent hammering going on under the blanket draped over my lap. It’s your very own meat beating kingdom in the sky!

Food

I’ve had good food on planes and I’ve also had shitty food. I think it depends on where you’re going if it’s an international flight and if it’s a domestic flight then it’s pretty much a crap shoot. I would recommend that the airlines toss all of that catered shit and bring in large servings of Carl’s Jr. and Burger King meals.

There’s always the chance that the franchises won’t bite on this idea so all you can eat pizza would be just as good.

Drinks

Never mind the flight attendant pushing that clumsy cart around with drinks. That’s for assholes. I’m talking a full service bar right in the back of the cabin. Every drink imaginable and smoking is allowed everywhere. You want a Tom Collins? Bam! You want a Scotch and Soda? How you doin’? Pull up a stool and have at it.

Entertainment

It certainly does help the time pass when you’re offered a movie to watch, but who wants to watch the shitty movies that they show? Charlie’s Angels? Ocean’s 11? Give me a fucking break! Scrap all that shit and bring some real entertainment on board!

Full on pole dancing in the aisles. A new girl every 2 hours. Smoke and lights. Lap dances. The works! The best part is that it’s all included in the price of your ticket.

Flight Attendants

This is probably the most important part of the whole flying experience. I don’t know what happened here, but the airlines used to have much stricter policies in the hiring of flight attendants. Look at how hot they used to be in the 60s:

What the hell happened? I’m used to getting stuck with some plastic faced, conservative, bore from San Fernando Valley like this:

That’s no fun at all. In fact it kind of pisses me off. She looks like she’s dressed for a Berkshire Hathaway board meeting. That in itself would make the trip seem two hours longer than it really is. We need to replace all of the flight attendants that look like that with ones that look like this:

Of course this could also have an adverse effect. There would probably be an influx in the amount of dirty old men requiring assistance in fastening and unfastening their seat belts and the flight attendant call lights would be lighting up like a Christmas tree throughout the entire cabin, but It’s a small price to pay. The problem is that the airlines are so afraid of discrimination lawsuits that they’ll hire just about any slob to do the job no matter what they look like. You don’t see that in foreign airlines. Next time you’re in the airport, try comparing the foreign flight attendants to the American ones and you’ll see exactly what I mean. It’s obvious the foreigners execute a pretty intense screening process.

Who would you rather have serving your food? One of these gorgeous babes or some leathery bitch wearing a pant suit? I rest my case.

Yes, you all qualify. Absolutely! I can’t even believe these chicks have to compete for the job. I would hire ‘em all even if there weren’t enough planes. I’d have 25 attendants on each flight.

So basically the airlines should be eternally thankful for my suggestions and I do expect that they’ll want me at their next board meetings. If they were to implement these ideas they would be reporting record profits every year. So the next time an airline tanks you can say to yourself “Jeez, they should have listened to that fucking genius Angoisse ”.

There are a ton of shows on TV featuring the triumphs of cops and their undying love for law enforcement. The problem is that if you love to enforce the law then you should probably make an effort to obey it. I have witnessed asshole cops break the law countless times which leads me to believe that there should be a show highlighting citizens busting cops. Not even making arrests or handing out citations, just to make them feel like total shit on TV. Handing out a ticket is no comparison to making someone feel like a ball of crap. Anyone can accept a ticket and drive away, but when you feel humiliated, that will stay with you for a while. I would love to see a cop’s dignity ripped to shreds on prime time TV on a nightly basis. Most of them deserve to feel like the pickle fuckers that they are. 

This guy could possibly be one of my new heros:

Making a phone call is by no means a new idea. People have been making phone calls forever, but within the past 10 years it has become such a sensational notion that none of you motherfuckers can put the phones down. I understand the convenience of cell phones and by no means do I condemn their use, but some of you are nothing less than freakin’ addicts. Smoking has suffered so much scrutiny over the years that I am going to show you why you cell phone junkies are more annoying than smokers.

Smokers tend to grab a quick cigarette whenever there is a brief interval of time between their daily activities. Cell phone addicts grab a quick call during these same intervals. For example: I was having my car inspected which may take all of 15 minutes depending on how busy the shop is. I refrained from having any cigarettes throughout the entire wait. However, the fucknut sitting opposite of me could not stand to wait without making a few calls. Were the calls important you ask? Absolutely not! The conversations went something like this:

“Hey, it’s me.” (Typical cell phone addict response to “Hello”)
“I’m having my car inspected.” (Pause) “It’s on top of the drier near the detergent.” (Pause) “Bob said that it’s at 3:00.” (Pause) “Ok I’ll see you in about an hour.” (Hang up) 

Wow! I can see why that couldn’t have waited until she got home. That one call was not enough so she had to make a couple more equally as mundane phone calls after that. The point here is that I don’t want to listen to your idiotic conversations as much as you don’t want to breathe my smoke so go outside if have to make a call in one of your cellular fits you fucking wipe!

Smokers always have to have their cigarettes and lighter whenever they leave the house. Just like a cell addict can’t leave home without the cell phone. They will search high and low for it in the house if it’s lost even if it puts them behind on time.

There are different levels of smokers based on the frequency in which they smoke. Chain smokers are no different than the cell addicts that make one call after another. I’d like to do a little research and find out how many of you fuckers have a 10 or more call a day habit. The difference is that if we’re both outside, you won’t even be bothered by my smoke, but I’ll still want to bludgeon your face for having to listen to you chatter about how Hungry Man dinners were 10% off at Shaws.

What could you possibly have to talk about with your spouse or kids over dinner when you’ve told them everything that happened that day in the course of 8-10 phone calls? You have nothing left! You already wasted all of your laughs and semi-interesting stories during your daily phone call binge. You dumb fucks! The only thing you might have left to talk about is the exciting tale of how your cell battery died or at what point you lost your signal.

To make matters worse most of the people you morons call are just like you which means that they’ll be shitting their pants to make a call just as often as you do. This is demonstrated every time I try to talk to someone and I can’t get out 3 words without their phone ringing. What do most people do? They take the phone out of their awesome phone holster, look at the screen, hit a button, and put it back in the cool holster. Why have it then??? I see people do this all of the time. You have the fucking thing because you want to be contacted anywhere at anytime, but once a call actually does come in, you hit the “I’m too busy for this call” button. About 70% of the calls I make to cell phones get put through to voice mail. Any of you that do this don’t need the cell phone in the first place so just buy a fucking answering machine. Here’s another tip: if you took a huge shit after lunch then you can probably wait until you get home to talk about it although I’m sure some of you pricks talk about it on your phones while you’re actually doing it. “Ok, I think the worst is over, nope, I was wrong! One more almost slipped by, but I broke it off at the neck. It looks like tar and smells like meatloaf. Oh man, I wish you could be here.” You sick fucks.

I hate almost every celebrity that splatters the pages of tabloid magazines and dominates the Hollywood gossip shows. Dustin Diamond goes down as being one of my most hated. His career perished before it even started when he was an annoying, pickle smoking, adolescent. Now he’s just an annoying, pickle smoking, adult who whores himself to any venue or media channel that will actually waste their time on him. This asshole has indulged himself in every scumbag move from feigning poverty to releasing one of the most horrendously terrible  porn movies I’ve ever seen. Let’s take a look at the milestones in Dusty’s failed career:

Saved by the Bell

It’s understandable that any 13 year old would be thrilled at the idea of being on a TV show, but his failure came early on. Nobody on the cast liked him and I think it’s obvious why. The only person on the show that got along with him was the guy that played Mr. Belding and I’m sure that was out of shear pity. All of the other cast members would go out together, but they never invited Screech. Am I supposed to feel bad about that? I would have beat the shit out of him on a daily basis if he went to my school. His personality in real life is not that much different than Screech and the worst part is that he resents the fact that people remember him as Screech. He wants to be known as Dustin Diamond. Well what the fuck do you expect you tool smoke??!! You were only the most annoying thing on TV. How could anyone forget? Nothing you do in your life now will never help people forget that shit character that you played. You’re pretty much fucked for life and I’m thrilled about it. Even in your everyday life you will be constantly haunted by your horrible past. Try going grocery shopping; “Hey, aren’t you Screech?”. Even something as mundane as going for a walk; “Look everyone! It’s that fucktard from Saved By the Bell!”. You are so royally fucked.

Celebrity Fit Club

Next this cock sucker goes on Celebrity Fit Club which was basically one of the many shows that was designed with washed up has beens in mind. Usually if you’re a fucking clown than it’s in your best interest to at least be nice to everyone in order to salvage your dignity, but Dustin passed the time by acting like a douchebag throughout the duration of the program. The following clip perfectly illustrates this bag of shit’s day to day life in under five minutes:

Totally Spent

Old fuck mouth was really on a role so why not pretend to be broke on top of everything else? He claimed that his house was facing foreclosure and that he needed donations. For every donation he would send you a T-shirt which read something like “I helped Screeech save his house” or some such shit. He used the very same character’s name that he resents being known as and whatsmore he had to spell it wrong because he didn’t own the rights to the character. Thousands of people face financial hardship every year and blow bag thinks that he shouldn’t have to endure the hardships that everyone else is faced with. What an unbelievable asshole! I would love to break his nose and pay to have it fixed just so I could visit him in the hospital and break it again and I would repeat the process for the next 30 years.

Porn Tape

His porn tape was fucking god awful. Look at him. He looks like he’s cranking out a mean shit in the bathtub. He starts out with this ridiculous monologue acting like he’s talking to the illuminati or some circle of high profiled tycoons that we are to believe he belongs to. He sings the praises of his exploits like it was some kind of unbelievable feat. The only thing unbelievable about it is the whole tape itself. He tries to make it look like some chick calls him up on the night before she is to be married. When he arrives at her room he is met by her and her friend. Bullshit. He hired a couple of cheap whores and planted sex toys and lingerie all over the room before his arrival. No girl in their right mind would fuck this guy for free. Especially on the night before their wedding. He continued to talk up the size of his cock to the point where you expect an elephant trunk to fall out of pants, but instead all that emerged was an average schlong at best. Although he really believes that he’s hung like a giant so he insists on using Magnum condoms and is sure to make it known to the viewers. The sex was horrible and it would have been a lot more tolerable to watch if it weren’t for his all of his aggravating interjections and failed attempts at being funny. I don’t even remember seeing a money shot to be honest. If there was one then it was completely forgettable. And yet once again, this movie was marketed with some kind of Saved by the Bell reference in it’s title. We are also to believe that this type was private and not supposed to fall into the hands of the public. If that were in fact true then he wouldn’t be attending porn conventions and pushing his own line of sex toys. What the fuck? Change of heart? He wants to try his hand at failing in porn also?

Jesus Christ! The D-man? The brotherhood of the bros? What a fucking wanker! It was all one big fantasy that he put on tape. The fact that he belongs to some secret club, the fact that he has friends, the fact that he didn’t pay $100 for 2 whores, the fact that the tape was not intended for the public, etc… It’s all Dustin Diamond’s ultimate fantasy which he has contrived for you to see and believe. 

So after failing at just about everything except for a celebrity boxing match where he beat the guy who played Horeshack on Welcome Back Kotter (that must have been real difficult) he’ now working on his next failure which is stand up comedy. Not surprising that he’s not well liked in that channel either.

To summarize, Dustin Diamond is a great failure in history. Without dick lickers like him, none of us could feel good about our own shit lives. 

There are three things in my life that I long to see: a UFO, a ghost, and some jag off slipping on a banana peel. I would love to know where this phenomenon derived from. Does this even happen? If you have ever seen someone slip on a friggin’ banana peel then I would love to hear about it. I have seen it illustrated in countless ways. Cartoons, comic strips, video games, etc… My wife is filipino and she insists that slipping on banana peels is a reality. It must be some kind of third world thing. I would seriously love to see it. Why is it only banana peels? You mean to tell me that you can’t slip on a peel from a lemon or an orange? How come monkeys aren’t always falling down with all of the peels that must be laying around their environment. Eh, so many unanswered questions.

I bet used condoms could also be a safety hazard on the sidewalk. The scenario would feature an impeccably dressed executive, briskly walking down a busy boulevard. With a briefcase in one hand he frequently checks his rolex, agonizing about his tardiness to the 9:30 board meeting. Dodging a hot dog vendor on his right and a street performer on his left he narrowly dodges the wino out flat in his path. With the agility of a world class slalom skier he weaves in and out of foot traffic, increasing his stride in sync with his judgment to maintain punctuality. Rounding his last corner before the home stretch, his traction is seized by a familiar obstacle. The smooth leather sole of his left shoe meets it’s match against a soiled latex sheath housing a generous amount of man goo. His surprise instigates instability in his step. Struggling to maintain balance, he exerts lethal pressure on his left foot resulting in an untimely pop beneath his shoe. Six heaping tablespoons of week old jizz flood the dry proximity beneath his foot. Instant slip and slide! The right foot proves useless to aid in the demise of the left foot. The executive demonstrates a ridiculous dance as a last ditch effort to stay vertical, but his attempt is futile. His left leg gives up in it’s battle against the love yogurt and kicks itself high in the sky like a Rockette at Radio City taking the right leg along for the ride. Landing flat on his back, the executive shits his slacks on impact. Broken by his humiliation he rolls himself sideways into the gutter and sleeps it off. 

Now tell me that you wouldn’t sooner believe a story like this than that silly banana peel shit.